


Missing Pieces

by ramonaspeaks



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Drunkenness, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, One Shot, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 10:12:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2648243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramonaspeaks/pseuds/ramonaspeaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has always known that he wants everything from Phil. If he can't have that, he'll still take the pieces he can get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Pining fics are like my personal kryptonite so it was sort of inevitable that I'd write one eventually.
> 
> Eternal thanks to my beta [Evie](http://readingphan.tumblr.com/)!

Dan used to think that if he overheard Phil having sex, he’d probably get off on it.  
  
Back when the thought was just an abstract idea, it excited him. He would stare at the cinder block walls in his coffin-sized dorm room and picture what it’d be like when they finally lived together. It was a nice fantasy. More entertaining than law texts.  
  
Dan wanted to curl up in the corner of Phil’s world and become a shadow there. He wanted a piece of all the private moments that Phil would rather keep to himself and he assumed that any jealousy would be overpowered by the satisfaction of gaining another small intimacy. He imagined himself pressed to the wall outside of Phil’s bedroom, sliding his hands against the fabric of his jeans as he listened to every gasp and stutter.  
  
So it surprised Dan, the first time it happened, that he actually ended up clutching his stomach and dry-heaving into the bushes outside of their flat.  
  
A group of men passed by and let out loud peals of laughter. Dan wasn’t sure if they were directed at him but the sound caused him to straighten up and run a hand against his mouth. His stomach still churned at the memory of the noises emanating from Phil’s bedroom but he didn’t think he was actually going to be sick. He adjusted his hair, feeling self-conscious at the people on the street who were no doubt wondering what was wrong with him, and started to walk in the opposite direction of his apartment.  
  
“You all right there?” One of the men had broken away from his friends and called out to Dan. “Maybe it’s time for you to call it a night.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Dan shouted back at him. “Thanks.”  
  
The man jogged over and put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving. Dan turned around and gave him a faltering smile. He was shivering from the cold but he resisted the urge to cross his arms.  
  
“You don’t look fine.” The man's face was kind and concerned, despite the fact that his eyes were red-rimmed and he kept blinking as if trying to make Dan come into focus. He softened his voice as if speaking to a child. "I'm Laird. What's your name?"  
  
"Dan." He stumbled over the word. It probably sounded like he’d made it up. “Um, yeah. It’s Dan.”  
  
"You been drinking, Dan?"  
  
“No." He let out a short laugh.  
  
Laird looked back at his friends, who were halfway down the street and calling for him to hurry up. He hesitated a moment and pointed in the direction that Dan was walking. “Going home now?”  
  
“Yeah,” Dan lied. “I am. Heading there right now.”  
  
Laird squinted at him for a moment and looked as if he might protest but instead gave a nod and turned away.  
  
“Take care of yourself.”  
  
Dan suppressed an eye roll at the platitude and started walking again.  
  
It was early morning before he finally made it back to his apartment, surprised and not entirely relieved to have survived a night wandering around Manchester without being mugged. It felt almost anticlimactic. He shook the rain from his hair and headed straight for his bedroom. He was still trembling despite the fact that it had grown quiet in the time he was gone.  
  
 _Fuck,_ Dan thought as he pressed his hands against his ears and tried to stop his brain from remembering. _Fuck. I should probably move out.  
  
\----  
  
_ Plans of looking through apartment listings had lulled Dan to sleep but his resolution wavered when he woke up to Phil tapping on his bedroom door.  
  
"Yeah?" Dan called out.  
  
"Hey." Phil pushed the door open and then stopped. "You're still in bed?"  
  
Dan opened his eyes and looked over his shoulder. The apartment outside of his bedroom was quiet so he assumed Phil was alone now. Of course he was alone. Asking your fuck buddy to stick around for morning cuddles was probably a breach of etiquette.  
  
"Hm?" Dan pulled the duvet down so it wasn't covering his face. From Phil's startled expression, he guessed that he looked like shit. He cleared his throat so that his voice wouldn’t come out as a croak. "What time is it?"  
  
"Almost noon." Phil was frowning at him.  
  
"Oh.” Dan lifted his head. "What’s wrong then? That's hardly weird for me."  
  
"Are you sick? That's, like, twelve hours of sleep."  
  
"No, it’s not."  
  
"You were in bed at midnight.” Phil stepped into the room and sat on the edge of his bed. “I was going to ask if you wanted to watch something but your light was off."  
  
"I wasn’t asleep. I was out." Dan rolled over to the opposite side and turned so that his back was to Phil. He pulled the duvet over his head again. "I got back late."  
  
"Where did you go? I didn't even hear you leave."  
  
Dan laughed. Of course he hadn’t. "Do I have to run my plans by you? For fuck’s sake, my mum wasn’t this bad."  
  
"Sorry.” Phil paused. "You feel all right then?"  
  
"I feel like I've been run over by a truck actually."  
  
Phil made a sympathetic noise and tried to pull the covers off his head. Dan grunted and held on tighter.  
  
"Get the _fuck_ off," Dan said. "I'm trying to sleep."  
  
"But you’re up now. Come hang out with me." Phil pulled on Dan’s shoulder and tried to roll him over. “I’m so bored.”  
  
"I'm not your fucking entertainment."  
  
"You’re not? Didn't I tell you that's why I asked you to move in?"  
  
Dan made an annoyed sound as he let go of the duvet. Phil gave a delighted cry over winning their game of tug-of-war but fell silent when Dan got out of the bed and stalked across the room. He yanked his bedroom door open and stood beside it with one arm pointing out.  
  
"I was only joking." Phil stared at him with wide eyes. "Why did you sleep in your jeans last night?"  
  
"You can't do this." Dan could feel his bottom lip was quivering and tried to steel himself. "If I'm going to live here, there need to be boundaries. You can't come jump in my bed whenever-"  
  
"What do you mean _if_ you're going to live here?" Phil stood up. "You already do."  
  
"Can you leave now?" Dan sighed and ran his hands over his face. His head was pounding. “Please.”  
  
“Why did you- I mean, of course. I'll go. Sorry.” Phil looked down at the floor as he walked past him. “Feel better.”  
  
Dan felt a wave of nausea as he watched him leave. He slammed the door shut behind him but immediately sank down onto the floor and dropped his head onto his knees.  
  
“What the fuck am I _doing_?” He covered his face with his hands and groaned.  
  
That had gone spectacularly wrong. He wanted to crawl back into bed and hide under the covers and pretend the entire conversation had never happened. Last night hadn’t happened either. How far would he have to rewind before things didn’t feel so completely fucked up?  
  
Dan used to spend a lot of time thinking about the limitless possibilities in life. He’d never believed in luck or destiny or any such nonsense. There was something exhilarating about the fact that you were entirely on your own and the universe didn’t give a _shit_ what happened to you. It meant no one else controlled your choices. It meant you had a world of unceasing options spread out before you like a buffet.  
  
Now he couldn’t pinpoint exactly when that had stopped being true. He couldn’t remember when all of his available options had become so tethered to Phil.  
  
Hurting Phil made it hard to breathe. Dan needed oxygen. It wasn't a decision to pull himself onto his feet and pad out into the lounge to apologize. He just needed to breathe again.  
  
Phil looked up warily from his spot on the sofa when Dan walked into the room. He was clutching a mug of coffee with both hands.  
  
"Sorry." Dan sat down beside him. "That was weird. Maybe I'm getting sick or something. I promise I’m not usually such a dick when I wake up."  
  
“No, Dan, don’t. That was so rude of me.” Phil looked down into his mug. It was still full to the brim. “I'm sorry. I don't want- I mean, you like living here, right?"  
  
"Shut up. You know I do.”  
  
"Because you can tell me when I'm being obnoxious."  
  
"I will." Dan smiled at him but Phil didn’t return it. "I promise. I will point out every solitary time you annoy me."  
  
“Good,” Phil said. "So do you think you caught something or is it like a hangover?"  
  
Phil put his arm around him to pull him into a side hug. Dan resisted the urge to lean his head on Phil’s shoulder and shuffle closer. It was strange reminding himself of the necessity of boundaries. Dan hated the word. It was the first time he’d ever thought that there should be pieces of himself that weren’t available to Phil.  
  
"I don't know. Not a hangover because I didn't drink." Dan pulled away and stood up. "I really just came out to apologize though. I feel like shit."  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
Phil bit his lip as he watched him leave. Dan could tell that he was forcing himself to stay silent. He wasn't sure if Phil was trying to stop more apologies or questions from bubbling out but he was grateful either way. He hadn’t the faintest clue how to explain falling asleep in his jeans if he hadn’t been drunk.  
  
 _\----_  
  
Dan didn't move out.  
  
It wasn’t an active decision to stay. Maybe it was laziness. He had _just_ finished unpacking after all. Weeks simply passed without him bothering to look into available apartments. As time slipped by, he became more convinced that this was something he could handle.  
  
He didn't let his mind wander into the details of what _this_ was.  
  
The next time Phil brought someone home, he remembered to grab a coat before he left. He brought his phone with him. After the first few nights, he wasn't scared to wander around the city past dark.  
  
He even noticed that people found _him_ intimidating more often than not. He looked bulkier than he actually was because of his thick hoodies and coats. He was tall and male and obviously not concerned about being out alone. People took nervous glances over their shoulders at him and quickened their pace.  
  
It was baffling to Dan that anyone might consider him dangerous.  
  
 _\----_  
  
Dropping out of university wasn’t a decision either. Not really.  
  
“I’m going to go.” The clock was the only source of light in the room. It was 3:03. Dan blinked and it read 3:04. He felt his stomach drop. “No, I’m not.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Phil whispered back to him. He squeezed his arms around Dan’s waist.  
  
Dan let him.  
  
Boundaries had taken a running jump and leap out the window hours ago. Boundaries were probably halfway to London by now. Boundaries could fuck off as far as Dan was concerned. They were in Phil’s bed, wrapped up together in every sheet and duvet they owned because Phil seemed to think the only way Dan would stop crying was if he smothered him. It seemed to have worked. Or he’d just exhausted himself.  
  
“If you don’t go, you can re-sit the exam another time. It’s okay,” Phil repeated. “You don’t have to go.”  
  
“No, I’m definitely going. I can make it.” Dan clung tighter to Phil’s shoulders. “I might pass, right?”  
  
“Yeah, of course.”  
  
“Right.” Dan exhaled. He could barely keep his eyes open. “Right.”  
  
They ruminated over the same worries and reassurances until they fell asleep. When Dan’s alarm went off a few hours later, he sighed and rolled back to tuck his head under Phil’s chin where it felt safe. Dan’s cheek was rubbing against the soft skin of his neck. If he tilted his head the tiniest bit, his lips would graze it.  
  
“Are you going?” Phil asked.  
  
Dan drew in a shaky breath. “I don’t know. I need more time to think.”  
  
“You’ve got plenty of time.”  
  
“My exam is in an hour.”  
  
“Wasn’t talking about the exam.”  
  
“I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not good at anything.”  
  
“Not true.” Phil stifled a yawn. “You pick out the best dogs with laser eyes out of a hundred spooky emails.”  
  
“Wow. Thanks for that.”  
  
“Shut up. I’m too tired to argue with you. You’re good at loads of things. Maybe you just don't like law."  
  
Dan laughed. Of course he didn't like law. Was that supposed to matter? He'd never given it much thought before.  
  
It was hard to think about anything other than the feeling of shared body heat in the warm cocoon of Phil's bed. He could feel Phil’s lips on the top of his head when he spoke and he’d never craved anyone so much before. He wanted Phil to kiss him.  
  
Unrequited feelings weren’t new to Dan but in the past he’d always experienced them as an urge to possess. He’d wanted to kiss people and he’d wanted to fuck people but he’d never been so overwhelmed with the longing to _be kissed_ before. He wanted Phil’s lips on his hair and forehead and eyelids.  
  
“So?” Phil asked after a few minutes had passed.  
  
“I don’t know.” Dan shut his eyes and burrowed his face in Phil’s shirt. He’d allow himself this much. “Can we just stay here for a while?”  
  
 _\----  
  
_ Dan had been living with Phil for six months when he made a real decision again.  
  
It didn't have anything to do with his living situation or school or Phil but that wasn't the point. It was the most certain he'd felt about anything in half a year. It had originally been a New Year's resolution but he decided to allow himself an extra month to sort it out when he couldn't find a pair of scissors before midnight.  
  
That's how he found himself standing in his bedroom at the end of January with adrenaline rushing through his veins as he exhaled a deep breath and severed ties with the biggest tradition of his youth.  
  
 _Snip.  
  
_ And in a fraction of a second, his Reading Festival wristbands were gone.  
  
Dan set the scissors down on his desk beside the row of ribbons that he'd arranged into a tidy pile. After weeks of turning the idea over in his head, it had been so simple.  
  
He'd just taken a picture of his wrists next to the scraps of fabric on the desk when he heard a gasp from the doorway.  
  
" _No_. You did it?" Phil walked into the room. "You took them off?"  
  
Dan's fingers instinctively wrapped around his wrist. It felt naked. "I told you I would."  
  
Phil picked up one of the wristbands. It was faded to a dull pink and the words _Reading 2011_ were printed on it. Phil made a small whine as he held the ribbon up and looked at Dan with comically wide eyes and a pouting bottom lip.  
  
"Stop." Dan forced out a laugh. "You're not going to make me fucking cry over this."  
  
"Aren't you going to miss them?"  
  
"It doesn’t matter." Dan swept the wristbands off his desk and into the waste bin sitting below it. "There's no going back now."  
  
"Don't just throw them out!"  
  
"You want me to keep them in a little perfume-scented envelope hidden under my pillow? Sorry, no." He grabbed the last remaining one out of Phil's hand and dangled it over the bin. "Say goodbye."  
  
"I feel like we should hum a dirge."  
  
"We can if it'll make you feel better." Dan watched it fall and then looked down at his hands. He flexed his wrist again and laughed. "I expected there to be a tan line or something. Does it look weird?"  
  
"It's _completely_ weird. This is the first time I've ever seen you without them."  
  
Dan stared at him. There was a tiny twitch at the corner of Phil's mouth like he was holding back a smile. "Are you actually kidding right now? Everything you say is just edging me closer to an emotional breakdown."  
  
"Sorry." Phil laughed. "I'll get used to it."  
  
" _You'll_ get used to it? Great. Thanks."  
  
"I don't like change."  
  
"It was time. I'm not sixteen anymore." Dan shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, I guess. But _five_ years."  
  
Dan nodded. "That's probably longer than most people wear wedding rings these days, you know, what with the divorce rate."  
  
"You had a pretty long run with Reading Festival.” Phil laughed. “No one can take that away from you."  
  
"Are you saying I couldn't make a marriage work?"  
  
Dan felt his stomach turn as soon as the question was out of his mouth. He’d meant it as a joke but Phil was already looking at him with a speculative expression like he was giving the topic serious thought.  
  
"I can't imagine you married if I'm honest. I've haven’t seen you with anyone ever since..." Phil shook his head as he trailed off.   
  
"Yeah. Ever since."  
  
Dan looked back down. It was strange. There was nothing about Dan that he would consider tiny. He was tall and his hands were large and his fingers were long but his stupid wrists looked so naked and vulnerable now.  
  
"I mean." Phil paused. "You date, right?"  
  
Dan's head snapped up. "Who the fuck would I date?"  
  
"I don't know." Phil's eyebrows furrowed. He continued in an uncertain voice. "I hadn't thought about it."  
  
"I don't give you much to think about, do I?" Dan opened his drawer to shove the scissors back inside. He didn't want to see the pity in Phil's eyes. It was bad enough hearing it in his voice. "What does it matter? I'm married to YouTube."  
  
That wasn't even a lie. YouTube was one of the few things he really felt was going right in his life. It was definitely the biggest commitment he’d ever made.  
  
Phil was staring down at his hands when Dan turned back around. He'd picked up one of the black rubber bracelets emblazoned with the word _Danosaur_ that had just come in the mail earlier that day. He swung it between his fingers distractedly and nodded in agreement.  
  
"It does make things difficult," he said finally. "Like, worrying about getting caught. Someone seeing you out together in public."  
  
Dan laughed. It was practically a snort.  
  
There was a second when Phil caught his eye and Dan was sure that it was all over. He'd pushed too close to forbidden topics and all of his careful compartmentalizing would be useless in the face of the discussion he felt looming.  
  
But Phil just ducked his head to hide the blush that showed he knew exactly what Dan's mocking laughter meant and paused for a moment before responding.  
  
"There are worse things than not dating." He caught Dan's hand so that he could slide the rubber bracelet onto his wrist. "Here. This might help you through your withdrawal."  
  
Dan felt his lungs swell with air like a scream was caught in his throat. He should have known that Phil would never push the topic.  
  
 _Boundaries_ , he reminded himself.  
  
Neither spoke again before Phil left. Dan kept the bracelet on that night though. It didn’t feel the same as the cloth ones that he'd just discarded, but it was enough to keep him from rubbing his skin raw in irritation. It was enough.  
  
 _\----  
_  
The truth was that Dan didn’t regret living with Phil, even on the worst days, and there were more good ones than bad. They were busy but they had fun together and he fell asleep most nights exhausted but content.  
  
Even if he was adrift, at least he felt like he was finally drifting in the right direction.  
  
Phil taught Dan about camera angles and lighting and special effects. Dan taught Phil how to crack a soft boiled egg without beating shell into the yolk. Phil made coffee for the both of them every morning and Dan bought video games that were only entertaining on two-player. They filmed videos for their collab channel each week and they curled up on the sofa at night with dinner plates balanced on their knees and made fun of the dodgy subtitles on their favorite anime shows.  
  
It worked. _They_ worked. Most days were easy.  
  
And there were other days when Dan was a petty bastard.  
  
“How’s the chicken?” Phil asked. He’d made curry stir-fry for dinner and had handed Dan a plate without asking if he wanted any. “Rate it out of ten?”  
  
Dan poked at it. “It’s fine.”  
  
“I’m sorry but _fine_ is not an acceptable numeric value.” Phil laughed and licked sauce off his lips. “Come on, is it good?”  
  
It was great. A solid nine at least. Dan took another bite and averted his eyes.  
  
“Four.”  
  
“Really?” Phil’s face fell. “I tried to make it like you do.”  
  
Dan shrugged. He figured it was a fair answer. Phil lost five points for the purple mark just barely visible above his collarbone.  
  
 _\----  
_  
Maybe Dan should have seen it coming. Maybe it was inevitable that their careful balancing act couldn’t last forever.  
  
He wanted to laugh. From the betrayed look in Phil's eyes, they might as well have been married.  
  
"Your battery is going to die." Dan pushed the laptop away and slouched down on the sofa.  
  
Phil stared at him.  
  
"You should go plug it in."  
  
"That's all you're going to say?" Phil asked.  
  
Dan glared at him. He had a hell of a lot to say actually. The picture that was up on Phil's laptop had been circulating for days. He'd already seen it. He'd already been through several stages of anger and anxiety before finally reaching his current state of resignation.   
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
"What were you doing?" Phil closed his laptop and moved it so there was room on the sofa to sit down. "It was, like, past midnight. I can't tell where you are but it looks weird and dirty there and-"  
  
"You're overreacting." Dan stared down at his cuticles. He'd already bitten them down to bleeding. "I was just out."  
  
"Out?" Phil threw his hands up. "You were out in the middle of the night _wandering_ around for no reason all by yourself?"  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
"That doesn't make any sense. Just tell me the truth."  
  
Dan clenched his jaw. "That _is_ the truth. What do you want me to say? Do you believe the posts on goddamn _motherfucking_ twitter then? Fine. I've got a secret lover and I was sneaking out of their apartment."  
  
"Were you?" Phil asked quietly.  
  
"Oh, fuck off."  
  
Dan stood up and strode out of the lounge toward his bedroom. He hated how defensive he sounded. His voice was getting louder as Phil's was getting progressively smaller and more controlled.  
  
He grabbed a pair of shoes off the floor and began pulling them on just as Phil pushed his door open.  
  
"Are you leaving? I mean, is this- are we actually fighting over this?"  
  
"I don't know. Are we?" Dan tugged at the laces until they gave and began to retie them. "It's not like I owe you explanations. You don't tell me anything about the guys you bring over to fuck."  
  
Phil stood in the doorway with his arms crossed. "So you are seeing someone."  
  
"Please. I don't even know how that fucking _works_."   
  
Dan shoved his wallet in his back pocket. He couldn't see where his phone was. Screw it. He wasn't going to waste time looking for it.  
  
"How what works?"  
  
"Dating. Hook ups." Dan knocked against Phil's shoulder as he shoved past him and made his way out of the apartment. "Finding anyone who isn't _you_. I'm obviously going to die alone so you don't have to worry about it."  
  
"What does that even mean? If you're single, it's because you want to be."  
  
Dan stopped with his hand on the doorknob. "And if I don't want to be?  
  
Phil was silent.  
  
"It's none of your business what I do." Dan turned to look at him over his shoulder. "And we both know that's your choice, not mine."  
  
He let the door slam behind him.  
  
 _\----  
  
_ The sun was just beginning to set. The streets were full and busy. Dan pushed through groups of laughing teenagers and swerved around mothers herding their children. He had no clue where he was going but he needed to get there fast.  
  
His feet carried him to a brightly illuminated street that held a row of bars and pubs. His feet were fucking brilliant.  
  
Dan was seconds away from making a turn into one of them when he heard his name being called from across the street. He cursed under his breath and wondered if he could pretend that he hadn't heard. He did _not_ want to take a fucking picture with someone right now.  
  
"Hey, wait!" The man called to him a second time and waved his arm. "Dan?"  
  
"Yeah?" Dan asked warily as the man ambled over to him. He was a few years older than Dan with light brown hair and a scraggly beard. Not exactly his target audience. "Hi."  
  
"I'm guessing you don't remember me." The man smiled at him.  
  
"Oh, shit. Yeah." Dan blinked as a memory came back of shivering in the cold during one of his first nights in Manchester. "Sorry. Um, it’s Laird, right?"  
  
"Hey!" Laird gave a loud hoot when he heard his name. He swayed on his feet. "Got home all right then, I see. You doing better now?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Aw, hell. That's no good." He drawled the words out and cocked his head to one side. "Want to go for a walk and tell me about it?"  
  
That sounded like a terrible idea.  
  
Dan shrugged and pointed to the bottle he held in his hand. The label was hidden by a brown paper bag. "Depends on if you're sharing."  
  
Laird grinned.  
  
 _\----_  
  
"We used to flirt." Dan pulled his feet up onto the bench as he spoke. His toes were nearly touching Laird's thigh. He scooted them closer to his own body. "Our whole relationship was built around flirting. He still has pictures of me that would traumatize my grandparents if they were made public."  
  
Laird laughed. It was a bright, happy sound. "Let's hope that he's not the sort then for your granny's sake."  
  
"He's not." Dan took the bottle from Laird and winced through another sip. "He's really, really not. He'd never- I trust him with my bank details and fucking email password."  
  
"And what's a couple full frontals compared to your passwords?"  
  
"You think you're joking." Dan scoffed.  
  
"Not really." Laird shook his head and then reached to pull the bottle from Dan's hands just as he touched the rim to his lips again. "I guess that’s kind of important in your line of work."  
  
Dan dropped his hands to his knees. _Shit._ He instinctively leaned away and curled in on himself. "You watch my videos?"  
  
"I've seen a few." Laird looked up and let out a loud laugh that echoed in the night. "Shit, your face. I'm not some sketchy fuck who's stalking you. I kept seeing you around at night and then a mate of mine recognized you. I looked you up maybe a week ago."  
  
"Just didn't realize you knew who I was." Dan kept his arms wrapped around himself. The wind picked up and he shivered. "This can stay between us, yeah?"  
  
"Don't worry. I'm not much for the internet anyway." Laird took a long drag from the bottle they were sharing and gave a shuddering cough before continuing. "So what happened?"  
  
"Sorry?" Dan asked.  
  
"You flirted. Naughty photos were exchanged. You live together. So?"  
  
"So... nothing." Dan looked down. "I don't know. It never happened."  
  
“C'mon, tell me.” Laird held the bottle back out. "Liquid courage?"  
  
"Fuck it." Dan grabbed it from his hand. It burned like a trickle of fire running down his throat but he didn't let himself choke. He wiped his mouth. "Right. Okay. So I was dating this girl."  
  
"Intriguing." Laird settled back against the bench like he was preparing for a long story. "Did this lady have a name?"  
  
"Cara." Dan paused. "We were together for three years. It was good, like, our friends called us the dream couple. I thought all the pieces were there, you know?"  
  
"Pieces?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, she was attractive and funny and- and I was proper in love with her I think. Then I met Phil. The more I got to know him, the more I realized- it was like finding all these pieces you didn't know were missing and you can finally see the picture that the puzzle is supposed to be."   
  
“All right.” Laird smiled at him like he was barely containing his laughter.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
“No, that’s just sort of precious, that’s all. So I'm guessing things with Cara took a nosedive after that."  
  
Dan nodded. "I broke up with her."   
  
“You dumped your girlfriend for him?” Laird raised an eyebrow. His lip twitched. "Hard to believe he didn’t want to fill that empty bed of yours."  
  
“It wasn’t like that. Well, not exactly.” Dan sighed. "I wasn't- things weren't okay for a while. I was in love with her, you know? By the time I was ready to date anyone, he’d moved on. He didn’t want me anymore."  
  
"Or he's waiting for you to make a move."  
  
"He's not exactly shy. Not from what I've heard."  
  
Laird grimaced. "How can you stand living with him?"  
  
"I love him." Dan felt lighter from saying it, even if it was to the wrong person. "Save for one night of stomach upheaval, it's not so bad. It's not like I stick around to listen."  
  
"You ever tell him that?"  
  
“That I love him?”  
  
Laird lifted a hand like it was obvious.  
  
Dan shook his head. "I said that I didn't know how to find anyone that wasn't him. That's the closest."  
  
"What'd he say?"  
  
"That I must _want_ to be single."  
  
"He's right, you know." Laird cast a sweeping look over his body.  
  
It made Dan's stomach churn.  
  
Dan pushed his legs off the bench and stamped his feet so they would come back to life. He was being reckless by revealing personal details about not just himself but Phil as well. He didn't know how Phil found people he dated or why he considered them trustworthy but he did know that those were _his_ decisions. Those were his risks to take. Dan covered his face with his hands and then ran them through his hair.  
  
"Dan?" Laird stood up and threw the empty bottle into a nearby bin. It clattered as it hit the bottom and shattered inside the paper bag. He stepped toward Dan and put his arm over his shoulder. "I wasn't trying to be a prick. Just know you've got options, right? There's more than Phil out there in the world."  
  
"I know." He shook his head even as he muttered his agreement. "I _do_ know that."  
  
"I'm not even talking about myself. Well, maybe I am a little." Laird laughed. "But it's just fucking useless being lonely when you don't have to be."  
  
Laird held onto his shoulder and slipped a hand underneath his jaw. Dan lifted his head to meet his eyes and it occurred to him that _this_ was how it worked.  
  
How simple it would be to lean in until he felt the scratch of Laird's beard against his chin. How absurdly _easy_ to allow the moment to pull him forward into Laird's apartment where he would fit underneath his body for the night just as well as anyone else.  
  
"Why though?" Dan asked. "I just spent hours telling you in horrifying detail how I've got, like, violently out of control feelings for someone else."  
  
"I guess not everyone is looking for all the pieces." Laird paused and licked his lips as if to drive the point home. "Sometimes just one piece will do if it's nice enough."  
  
Dan laughed at the lack of subtlety. "Fair enough."  
  
He allowed the scenario to play out in his mind. There was an appeal to being wanted and feeling connected to another person but even as he let his imagination follow the path into Laird's bedroom, he knew that he wasn't going to go. If the world was large and full of infinite possibilities, there were still only tiny pinpoints that mattered to Dan.  
  
"It's tempting." He took a step back and shook his head. "I'm going to head home though."  
  
"All right." Laird smiled and dropped his hands away from him. "Think you'll remember the way back or do you want me to walk you to the bars?"  
  
"Yeah?" Dan nodded. He was feeling a little unsteady on his feet. "Thanks."  
  
Laird started walking and Dan fell into step with him. They didn't exchange numbers or even say a proper goodbye when they got back to the road where they'd met.   
  
"I'll see you around then," Laird said.  
  
"Yeah, cool."   
  
"Good luck with Phil."  
  
Dan tried to smile at him over his shoulder but he'd already started walking away. He didn't expect to see him around. No matter what happened when he went home, he felt certain that he'd seen the end to his midnight walks.  
  
 _\----  
  
_ It was stupid but Dan had expected Phil to be asleep.  
  
He wasn't sure _why_ he'd expected this since it wasn't nearly as late as it usually was when he crept back inside their flat but he was shocked to see Phil standing in the doorway with Dan's phone in his hand when he stepped inside.  
  
It had taken Dan a few tries to get the door open. Phil must have heard the key in the lock.  
  
"I texted you and left maybe ten messages before I saw your phone on the floor of the lounge." Phil held it out for him. "Sorry."  
  
"It's fine." Dan took it from him. "Did you know that people will share their alcohol if they want to fuck you? They'll listen to all of your petty bullshit problems too."  
  
Phil looked stricken. Dan brushed past him.  
  
"You probably already knew that,” Dan muttered. He kicked his shoes off and left them in the middle of the floor.  
  
"How drunk are you?"  
  
"Maybe a five." Dan shrugged. "Six at the most."  
  
"Right." Phil blew out a short huff of air and nodded. "Talk tomorrow then?"  
  
Dan made a noncommittal noise and turned away. He hadn’t gone to bed this early in years but he was dead on his feet. He shuffled down the hall toward his room but stopped when he felt Phil's hand slip into his own. It was such a gentle, tentative touch that Dan wanted to cry.  
  
"Please," Phil pleaded.  
  
"What?"  
  
Phil tugged on his hand and took a backwards step toward his own bedroom. Dan nodded, understanding what he wanted.  
  
"Yeah, all right. Just don't try to grope my arse in the middle of the night."  
  
Dan took a perverse pleasure in the pained expression that flickered across Phil's face. He knew how it sounded. There was a small angry part of him that wanted Phil to know how he'd always felt. So instead of correcting Phil's assumptions about what had happened that night, he simply allowed himself to be pulled into bed and held tightly against Phil’s chest. It was a position that was familiar to both of them.  
  
"Dan."  
  
"Hm?"  
  
 "You smell really bad."  
  
Dan snorted. "Charming. Remind me again why I put up with you."  
  
"Shut up for a second." Phil exhaled a shaky breath. He sounded close to tears. "I have no clue where you've been or what you did or who you- and you reek of alcohol and I've given myself a headache worrying about you all night but now that you're here, I don't care about any of that. Just don't go anywhere, okay?"  
  
“Does it make you feel sick when you think of me with someone else?”  
  
"Please say you won't leave again.”  
  
“It does for me. It makes me feel sick.” Dan pressed his face into Phil's shirt. It smelled like soap. The clean scent made a bit of the whirling nausea dissipate. “Why aren't we together?"  
  
“I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t say it.”  
  
"Then tell me. What are you looking for? What don't we have?"  
  
Phil made a wet choking sound before answering. "We have everything."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," Dan responded simply. No one was allowed to make Phil sound that small and broken. Not even him. "You can sleep."  
  
He didn't though. Despite Dan’s reassurance, he didn't seem to be able to relax. Dan felt the shuddering vibrations of Phil’s silent crying until he dropped off into sleep.  
  
 _\----  
  
_ Dan could hear the muffled crunching sound even through several layers of cotton. He pulled the pillow off his face and looked up to see Phil holding a handful of cereal halfway to his mouth. A box of Shreddies was open on the bed beside him.  
  
"Really?" Dan wrinkled his nose and let his head collapse back onto the bed. "You are my least favorite person in the entire world."  
  
"Sorry." Phil swallowed and gave him a sheepish glance. "Hangover?"  
  
"I don't think so." He shook his head. It wasn't throbbing at least. "Did you leave any hot water?"  
  
Phil had obviously gotten up to shower and rummage in the cabinets for food while Dan slept. His hair was wet but thankfully he'd forgone his usual habit of lounging around in a towel for hours. He was fully dressed.  
  
"Yeah. I got out a while ago."  
  
"Good. I feel disgusting." Dan rolled over and put his head down on his folded arms. "Did you even sleep last night?"  
  
"A little." Phil set the cereal box down beside the bed and brushed crumbs onto the floor. "Are you okay to talk now or do you want me to give you time to wake up?"  
  
"Now." He answered with his head still buried in his arms. "Unless it's just going to be a rain of apologies and then nothing of substance like usual."  
  
Phil inhaled a sharp breath. Dan looked up at him and saw that he was biting his lip and blinking rapidly.  
  
"Please don't cry," Dan said. "Sorry. I'll stop being a bastard."  
  
"I want to answer the questions you asked last night."  
  
"All right. I'm listening."  
  
"It does make me feel sick." Phil sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I know that makes me a total hypocrite but you asked so, yeah, it does."  
  
Dan shook his head. "I didn't sleep with anyone last night."  
  
"You don't have to tell me. You were right. It's none of my-"  
  
"But I want it to be your business. So, I'm telling you." Dan pulled himself up into a sitting position. "It's hard living with you sometimes. When you're with other people, you know? So I'd leave. Wander around. Clear my head. That’s all that picture was. And last night I got drunk with a guy on a bench and told him my life story but that's it. Nothing else happened."  
  
Phil traced the pattern of his duvet as he listened. "You asked me why we aren't together."  
  
"And you said we have everything.”  
  
"We do. I mean, you know we're- I don't know what we are." Phil locked eyes with Dan for a second before looking away again. "When you broke up with Cara, you told me that you just needed a friend."  
  
"Well, yeah." Dan's voice was sharp and accusatory. "That wasn't me saying that was all I wanted _ever_ again. I was fucking heartbroken."  
  
"I know. I _know_. And I'm sorry. It just scared me."  
  
“You thought it meant I didn't want to be with you?"  
  
Phil shook his head. "I thought that's what we'd become in the end. And then I thought if we never dated, then we'd never break up. If we stayed friends, I thought things couldn't get fucked up."  
  
"Right." Dan laughed. "Things feel totally not fucked up right now, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Are you ready for the rain of apologies yet?"  
  
"No. I just want to know where we stand. I mean, Phil, I could probably handle anything you wanted if I _knew_ what you wanted but you have to tell me."  
  
Phil nodded and looked like he was going to speak but Dan held up a hand. There was more he needed to say before his courage vanished.  
  
"It's not fair to climb in my bed and hold me every time I'm upset and say things that make it sound like you think we'll live together forever. If what you want is to be friends, I can live with that. But then we have to _act_ like friends and you have to accept that I might find someone else who wants a relationship." Dan took a breath before continuing. "Because that's what I want. A relationship. There isn't anything wrong with that."  
  
"Of course there isn't," Phil said and then stopped himself. "Sorry, um, were you done?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"That's what I was trying to tell you. It’s what I want too."  
  
"What is?" Dan asked. "And don't be afraid to spell it out using elaborate hand gestures because I'm done with interpreting mixed messages."  
  
"I want to be with you," Phil said. "I was going crazy thinking I'd ruined everything and I'd lost you. I was so happy when you walked through the door, Dan, I didn’t even care about- literally the _only_ thing that mattered to me was that you came back. I would have begged you to give me another chance to fix things."  
  
"You want to be with me?" Dan stared at him in disbelief. "Say it again."  
  
"I meant what I said last night. We have everything." Phil's bottom lip was trembling. "I was wrong. Yes, I want to be with you."  
  
Phil’s hand reached out to cup Dan's face as he leaned closer.  
  
"Don't you fucking _dare_." Dan wrenched away and tripped out of the bed. He stared at Phil with a horrified expression. "Were you seriously going to kiss me? Now? I have morning breath and I haven't showered and you told me last night that I smelled."  
  
Phil sat on the bed with an amused expression. "I don't care about any of that."  
  
"And you have cereal dust on your chin."  
  
"Do I?"  
  
"Yes," Dan emphasized as he pointed. "Right there."  
  
Phil groaned and wiped at his face with the back of his hand. "A valiant start to a new relationship."  
  
"You just said relationship." Dan found it impossible to hold back his grin.  
  
"Isn't that what we’ve been talking about?"  
  
"I just- don't change your mind." He hesitated with one hand on the doorknob. "You'll still want to kiss me in an hour, right?"  
  
Phil laughed and let his head fall back against the pillow. He nodded. "I've wanted to kiss you for years. Take all the time you want."  
  
 _\----  
  
_ Dan took Phil at his word. They took things slow.  
  
It was a week before Dan stopped hesitating outside of Phil's bedroom door every night as if he wasn't quite sure that he'd still be welcome. It was a week spent in a series of agonizing philosophical discussions as they vacillated between regret over every time they'd hurt one another and concern for the future.  
  
And sometimes Dan would cry and Phil would apologize and Dan would reassure him that it wasn't entirely his fault and it'd spiral into a cycle of exhausting emotions. It didn’t matter. It was still the most amazing week of Dan’s life.  
  
The first time they had sex, Dan thought that he might die before he even got to touch Phil.  
  
He'd always assumed that if they ever got to this point, it would be frantic and crazed from years of wanting each other. He was surprised to find that it was almost painfully sweet. Dan was shaking with anticipation as soon as their lips met but Phil was slow and gentle, peeling off layers of clothing in between languorous kisses and caresses.  
  
"You're so beautiful," Phil whispered against his neck.  
  
Dan closed his eyes as Phil’s hands finally slipped inside the front of his jeans. Soon there was nothing between them, only heated skin and soft tongues and curious hands exploring one another. Phil worked him open using his mouth and fingers with such single-minded attention that Dan was crying out far sooner than he’d predicted.  
  
Phil wasn't fazed in the slightest. He curled his fingers with more insistence and his eyes widened in appreciation as he took in the sight of Dan's orgasm cresting and then settling down.  
  
Dan sat up on his elbows before he’d even managed to catch his breath. He was trembling from the aftershocks as he pulled Phil up and kissed him.  
  
"Do you still want to?" Phil asked.  
  
Dan nodded and murmured a string of _yes, yes_ directly into his mouth. He'd never thought there'd be a time when coming first didn't make him feel self-conscious. His previous experiences with sex were all about getting off. He'd always thought that was the entire point. But with Phil stretched out on top of him, teasing a trail down between his legs and supporting the bend of his knees, it didn’t seem important.  
  
There was no score-keeping. It wasn’t about _me first_ or _now it’s your turn_ with Phil. Instead the focus was on the mutual experience of _us_ as they moved together.  
  
"Oh god," Dan cried out when Phil entered him. "That- you feel so good."  
  
It burned, of course, but all he could think was that Phil was finally inside of him and he wanted to pull him even closer. It wasn't long before the stretch began to ease and the sting of pain gave way to pleasure. Dan had grown hard again by the time Phil's hips were thrusting fast and erratic, and when he flushed bright pink and started to come, Dan was coming again too.  
  
Neither wanted to move away for a long time after their hearts had settled down into beating even rhythms. Dan ended up nestled in the crook of Phil's arm with a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. It was a familiar position but it felt new.  
  
"What are you thinking?" Phil asked.  
  
"Absolutely nothing. You've eradicated all thoughts." Dan yawned and nuzzled his face against his chest. "What about you?"  
  
"I'm basically at the same point. Y'know. Fire bad. Tree pretty."  
  
Dan blinked up at him in confusion for a moment and then laughed. "Oh, god. I cannot believe I'm dating someone who quotes Buffy during sex."  
  
"After sex," Phil corrected. "Never during. Shut up. You love me."  
  
"Only because you're _incredibly_ lucky."  
  
Dan laughed to show that he was joking but Phil just shrugged. He didn't disagree.


End file.
